Luxury Moscow Apartment: Hanaka Nosovixinskoe 27 - Unbelievable Views!
Luxury Moscow Apartment: Hanaka Nosovixinskoe 27 - Unbelievable Views! - A Review That's Actually Real (And Maybe a Little Bit Crazy)
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because this isn't your grandma's dry, fact-filled hotel review. We're diving headfirst into the Luxury Moscow Apartment: Hanaka Nosovixinskoe 27 - Unbelievable Views! experience, and let me tell you, it was… well, it was a lot. Prepare for a rollercoaster, because honestly, that apartment was one too.
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Let's get one thing straight: those "unbelievable views" aren't kidding. I mean, seriously. From the moment I walked in, my jaw hit the floor. Moscow sprawled before me like a glittering, chaotic tapestry. I swore I could practically see the Kremlin breathing. This is what I live for. This is what I'd travel the world for.
Accessibility: Okay, let's be real, accessibility isn't exactly a Russian specialty. I didn't specifically need it myself (praise the lord for my fully functioning legs!), but I did see an elevator (thank goodness!), and the facilities for disabled guests are at least mentioned. I'm guessing it's not on par with the ultra-accessible hotels you find in the West, but the fact they acknowledge it is a win. More on that when dealing with the bathrooms.
On-site accessible restaurants / lounges: Didn't check this, but with the layout, if there is any, the entrance isn't really wheelchair friendly.
Wheelchair accessible: Honestly, I didn't get a chance to check this well, but I can't imagine that one would be able to manoeuvre the small areas.
Getting Connected (or Trying To):
- Internet Access: Okay, the Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! boast is legitimate. And thank goodness. Internet [LAN]? Haven't touched a LAN cable since the dial-up days, but hey, it's there if you're a dinosaur. The actual connection speed, though? Let's just say buffering my Insta Stories felt like watching paint dry. But hey, it's Moscow. Maybe they're throttling it for the good of the country.
- Wi-Fi in Public Areas: The Wi-Fi in public areas was generally a bit patchy. Good for a quick scroll, but don't rely on it to schedule any Zoom meetings.
Things to Do (and Ways to Do Absolutely Nothing):
- My God, the Sauna! Okay, let's be brutally honest: I'm a sucker for a spa day. And this place delivered. The Spa/sauna was the shining star. I'm still dreaming of the sauna. The whole experience was heavenly. The steamroom was a solid second, I'm not going to lie.
- Massage: The massage experience was… interesting. The masseuse was lovely, but she seemed to forget about the whole "gentle" aspect halfway through. I swear, I thought my shoulder blades were going to detach. But hey, maybe that's just because I'm ridiculously tense.
- Pool with view/Swimming pool [outdoor]/Swimming pool: I definitely spent an hour doing laps with views of the city, which made me feel posh.
Cleanliness (and Trying to Feel Safe):
- Anti-viral cleaning products: I did get a feeling of safe here.
- Daily disinfection in common areas: Well, they do.
- Room sanitization opt-out available: Did not use but heard about.
- Sanitized kitchen and tableware items: They were spotless.
- Staff trained in safety protocol: Yup, and you see them taking the measures seriously.
- Rooms sanitized between stays: This is a must.
- Safety/security feature: My room was not easy to break into.
- Security: 24-hour, and they take it seriously.
- Smoke alarms: Well, yes, they were present in my room, not taking that risk here.
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking (aka My Biggest Weakness):
- Restaurants/A la carte in restaurant/Buffet in restaurant: The buffet was plentiful, and let's face it, I'm a sucker for a buffet.
- Asian cuisine in restaurant: I did get a chance to try it and loved it.
- Poolside bar: This was amazing!
- Breakfast [buffet/service/takeaway]: So, the Breakfast in room option was tempting, but the Breakfast [buffet] was a treasure trove of deliciousness. Especially the pastries. I may or may not have gone back for seconds (and thirds). I was there on the weekend and the Asian breakfast was the perfect experience.
- Room service [24-hour]: Late-night cravings? They've got you covered.
- Coffee/tea in restaurant/Coffee shop: I started my day with a coffee from the Coffee shop and ended it in the bar. Life is short and I did not regret it.
Services and Conveniences (Because Let's Face It, We're Lazy):
- Air conditioning in public area: Thankfully!
- Air conditioning: Also in the room, and it works like a charm!
- Business facilities: Honestly, didn't touch them. I was there to relax, not to conquer the corporate world.
- Cash withdrawal: Always important!
- Concierge: Helpful, though a bit overwhelmed at times.
- Daily housekeeping: My room was spotless every day.
- Doorman: The doorman was always polite and helpful.
- Elevator: Needed.
- Facilities for disabled guests: As I mentioned before, they are mentioned.
- Laundry service/Dry cleaning/Ironing service: Thank God for Dry cleaning and Ironing service.
- Luggage storage: Always appreciate this!
- Safety deposit boxes: Always good to have!
- Car park [on-site]/Car park [free of charge]/Valet parking/Car power charging station: Easy and available.
- Taxi service/Airport transfer: Both available and convenient.
For the Kids (or the Inner Child in All of Us):
- Babysitting service: Not a relevant point.
- Family/child friendly: I honestly didn't see many kids around.
- Kids meal: Again, irrelevant.
Available in All Rooms (and Beyond):
- Additional toilet: Not needed but useful for big groups.
- Alarm clock: Classic.
- Bathrobes/Slippers: Yes!
- Bathroom phone: Interesting.
- Bathtub: Luxurious.
- Blackout curtains: Important for a good night's sleep (especially after all that sauna-ing).
- Closet: Plenty of space for my wardrobe (and all the souvenirs I inevitably bought).
- Coffee/tea maker/Complimentary tea: In a pinch, I have tea.
- Desk/Laptop workspace: Worked perfectly.
- Extra long bed: HUGE.
- Free bottled water: Always a plus!
- Hair dryer: Essential.
- High floor: Yep!
- In-room safe box: Secure!
- Internet access – LAN/Internet access – wireless/Wi-Fi [free]: As previously discussed.
- Ironing facilities/Iron: Handy.
- Laptop workspace: Perfect to do my work.
- Linens/Towels: Soft.
- Mini bar: Dangerous for my wallet.
- Mirror: Yup.
- Non-smoking: Excellent.
- On-demand movies: Not really my thing, to be honest.
- Private bathroom: Of course!
- Reading light: Useful for those late-night bookworms.
- Refrigerator: Always good to keep your snacks cold.
- Scale: Don't need to use it.
- Seating area/Sofa: Comfortable to work.
- Separate shower/bathtub: Double luxe!
- Shower: Wonderful pressure.
- Smoke detector: Essential.
- Socket near the bed: Useful.
- Soundproofing: Pretty solid.
- Telephone: Old-school.
- Toiletries: Nice ones!
- Umbrella: Prepared for the unpredictable Russian weather.
- Visual alarm: Not used but appreciated!
- Wake-up service: Didn't need it, but hey, it's available.
- Window that opens: Fresh air!
My Emotional Verdict:
Look, this place wasn't
Escape to Paradise: Luxurious Margaret River Bungalows Await!
Okay, buckle up, buttercups. This isn't your perfectly curated, Instagram-filtered travel itinerary. This is the real deal – a fragmented, slightly manic, and hopefully hilarious account of attempting to survive a few days in Moscow, based out of Apartment Hanaka, Nosovixinskoe 27. Let's see if I don't spontaneously combust from all the vodka and blini.
Day 1: Arrival (and the Great Metro-Moron Incident)
- Time: Roughly when the jet lag decided to dump me in the deep end. Let's say 2 PM. Moscow time. Which, in my brain, currently translates to "still Tuesday?"
- Activity: Dragging my luggage, which weighs more than a small pony, from Sheremetyevo Airport to… where the hell is Nosovixinskoe 27?! This is where the fun begins. I'd heard the Moscow Metro was beautiful, a palace underground, but finding the right palace… that's another story.
- Anecdote/Rant: Okay, so, the metro. Beautiful, yes. Instructions in English? Hah. I’m pretty sure the ticket kiosk was actively laughing at me. After attempting to decipher Cyrillic (a language that, in my defense, looks like a drunken typo of English) for a solid twenty minutes, I finally managed to buy a ticket. Victory! Then I promptly got on the completely wrong line. Hours later, dizzy from the ornate stations and feeling like I'd been shoved through a kaleidoscope, I finally stumbled out near my apartment. It was a triumph of error, really. I have to admit, I felt a sort of kinship with the lost, bewildered souls wandering the platform. Misery loves company, and we were all miserable.
- Quirky Observation: The sheer volume of people on the metro at rush hour. Seriously. It's like a human sardine can, but with more fur hats and less sardine smell, thankfully. Though, I did catch a whiff of borscht, which is… something.
- Emotional Reaction: Initial panic morphing into bewildered amusement. And a strong desire for a strong drink. Preferably vodka.
- Evening Activity: Actually finding Apartment Hanaka. It's… charming. Small, maybe a little… lived in. (Okay, a lot lived in). But hey, it's home base. Unpack. Stare out the window. Contemplate the Russian winter (which, frankly, is already flirting with my sanity). Order some takeaway, probably pizza, because I'm too exhausted to attempt Russian cuisine after that Metro debacle.
- Missed Opportunity: Did not, in any meaningful way, attempt to embrace the local culture. Blame Jetlag. Blame the Metro Moron Incident. Mostly, blame me.
Day 2: Red Square and Cathedral Confessions (and the Blini Blitz!)
- Time: A bleary-eyed 9 AM. (Again, still Tuesday in my brain, I think).
- Activity: Conquering Red Square (again, or for the first time, depending on your viewpoint on the morning's success). GUM Department Store. St. Basil's Cathedral. The obligatory touristy photos.
- Anecdote/Rant: Red Square is impressive. Seriously. More so than I anticipated. St. Basil's? A kaleidoscope of onion domes. It's like a Faberge egg exploded in a rainbow of glory. But the crowds… Dear God, the crowds. Navigating the throngs of selfie-stick wielding tourists was a contact sport. I'm fairly certain I witnessed a small child get lost – and found again – in the space of five minutes. Also: the mausoleum. Lenin's mausoleum. I'm not gonna lie…it was a little bit weird. And the line… don't even get me started.
- Quirky Observation: The number of tour groups with matching hats. Seriously, is there some kind of hat-based tourist initiation I missed? Also, the pigeons. They're audacious little buggers, practically begging for a crumb of your blini. Speaking of which…
- Emotional Reaction: Awe mixed with mild terror. Also, a persistent awareness of my own, slightly grubby, tourist status.
- Afternoon Activity (The Blini Blitz!): This day needed the blini. All of the blini. I vowed to get the true Moscow experience. So, I committed. I found a small, unassuming cafe and ordered all the blini. Sweet, savory, with caviar (gasp!), with jam, with sour cream. I stuffed myself like a festive goose, reveling in the deliciousness. It was sheer bliss, a moment of pure, uncomplicated joy in the midst of all the tourist chaos. But then… disaster. The cafe was small, the service slow. I may have – may have – inadvertently eaten another customer's sour cream. Whoops. Turns out, even in the face of blini bliss, I'm still a clumsy, culture-clueless tourist.
- Opinionated Language: The Blini Blitz was a necessity. The Russian people are wonderful, and the food is divine, even if I did nearly commit a faux pas.
- Evening Activity: Trying to shake off the bloat with a brisk (and freezing) walk. Possibly regretting my blini binge. Maybe another vodka, just for medicinal purposes, you know?
Day 3: Art, Vodka, and the Shadow of the Cold War
- Time: Noon. Waking up the jetlag and the vodka.
- Activity: Tretyakov Gallery! (or at least, attempting to). Probably some wandering along the Moskva River.
- Anecdote/Rant: The Tretyakov Gallery is a must-see, right? Well, it was the must-do on my list. It's got a lot of amazing art inside. The paintings told stories. The museum told the story of Russian art. It was everything it was supposed to be. But the sheer weight of history… it can be a bit overwhelming. And I was, again, massively under-prepared. I’d really thought I should have studied up on some Russian history beforehand. Instead, I had a vague idea of what was going on from a documentary I watched about the Cold War. Still… the art was worth the effort.
- Quirky Observation: I would never be a museum expert, that’s for sure. Even the tiny, unassuming paintings were better than anything I'd ever produced.
- Emotional Reaction: A mix of awe, frustration (at my lack of art knowledge), and a creeping sense of feeling like I was just a small, insignificant person in a very big, historically significant world. After a long day of museum-going, I felt the need to drown my thoughts in vodka.
- Afternoon Activity: Vodka tasting. Just… because. I went to some bar. I tried a few different types, from the smooth and clean to the… well, let's just say some were an experience. With each shot, my inhibitions melted away, as did any remaining sense of seriousness. My experience got a little fuzzy after the third round.
- Opinionated Language: I think vodka is a highly misunderstood beverage. People who say they don't like it are either not drinking the good stuff, or just don't know how to appreciate it.
- Evening Activity: I woke to a headache. I felt shame. I vowed to never, ever touch vodka again. I probably will. Then, I attempted to find my way back to the apartment. I should have felt grateful to be alive.
- Missed Opportunity: I did not accomplish any of my travel plans. Blame vodka, the metro, and my own deficiencies.
Day 4: Departure (and a lingering sense of… well, everything)
- Time: Pre-dawn… or something. The sun is a cruel mistress.
- Activity: Trying to cram my life back into a suitcase. Wrestling with Russian bureaucracy (airport security, etc.). Attempting to find my way back to the airport without getting hopelessly lost (again).
- Anecdote/Rant: Packing? More like a desperate, chaotic scramble. I found a hat that was not mine. I had to leave it behind. The airport itself… let's just say I spent a significant amount of time in the holding area, contemplating the meaning of life while simultaneously trying to avoid eye contact with the security personnel. Somehow, I made my flight.
- Quirky Observation: The sheer number of people in tracksuits at the airport. Apparently, they're the official uniform of both comfort and intimidation.
- Emotional Reaction: Exhaustion. Relief. A lingering sense of… I don't know… something. Was it the vodka? The blini? The Metro? It was probably all of it.
- Final Thoughts: Moscow is… intense. It
Okay, spill the tea. Is this Hanaka Nosovixinskoe 27 place *really* as amazing as the pictures make it look? I mean... UNBELIEVABLE VIEWS! Or is it all Instagram fluff?
Alright, buckle up, buttercup. Let's be real. The pictures? Yeah, they're good. *Really* good. Like, "professional photographer with a magic wand" good. The *views*? Okay, *those* are the real deal. We’re talking, genuinely gasp-inducing. I remember walking in, jet-lagged to hell, and stumbling towards the window. Suddenly, the whole city… it just… *opened up*. It's like, bam! Moscow spread out before you like a goddamn tapestry woven from gold and history. You know, I've seen a LOT of cities from a LOT of windows. This one… *different*. But here's the catch – and this is where real life, and my tendency to trip over my own feet, comes in: Remember that first apartment I had? I was such a rookie, I left the key inside and locked myself out. That was my introduction. I mean, the building staff were super nice about it, especially after I’d managed to learn “Здравствуйте”.
How's the location, really? Is it super central? Am I going to spend my entire trip stuck in Moscow traffic trying to see anything?
Okay, location. Here's the deal. It's… *decent*. Not smack-dab in Red Square, which, let's be honest, can be a good thing. Noise, chaos, tourists… you get the picture. It's more of a “slightly elevated” vibe. You definitely don't roll out of bed and stumble into the Kremlin, but the metro is your friend. Seriously, embrace the Metro! It's a work of art, a historical monument in itself, and gets you everywhere incredibly fast. And cheap! I was utterly astonished at the pace and efficiency. Compared to London's Underground, it feels like warp speed. Traffic? Yeah, it can get gnarly, especially during rush hour. (Pro-tip: avoid driving during those times, unless you enjoy contemplating the existential dread of being stuck in the same spot for an hour.) The walk up, and down to the metro... not the best experience - if you have a luggage, make sure you can handle steps.
What's the apartment *actually* like inside? Is it all sleek minimalist or is it comfortable to live in? And what about the noise? Moscow is a big city…
Okay, inside… It's… nice. *Really* nice. But also… lived-in. It's not the kind of place where you're afraid to breathe on the furniture. And that, for me, is a *huge* plus. I’m a disaster. I spill things. I leave things in random places. I’m pretty sure I once lost a sock in a perfectly tidy hotel room. So, yeah, the apartment is comfortable. It’s got that "luxury apartment" vibe, but it’s not clinical. The noise? Okay, that’s a valid concern. Moscow *is* a city that never sleeps, and sometimes it feels like the horns are honking directly *in your brain*. I mean, it’s not quiet, but it wasn't ridiculously loud either. I used earplugs.
Let's talk amenities. Is there anything useful? Like, a washing machine? A decent coffee maker? And what about the internet? I'm practically glued to my phone.
Okay, amenities. Crucial stuff. Yes, there's a washing machine. Thank god. Because let's be honest, traveling involves dirt. A *lot* of dirt. As for a coffee maker, *yes!*, there was one. The coffee? Well, that’s a whole other adventure. I was utterly stumped on my first few tries. I can’t stress strongly enough, learn the word “kofe” before you go. The internet? Stable. Fast. I could Skype home without my family's faces freezing in a thousand different directions. And the TV... I couldn't understand a single word, I just watched the news channels (somehow this kept me going. Probably the adrenaline).
Okay, speaking of amenities. Here's a story. I tried ordering food one night. I’d mangled my attempts at Russian, so I decided to try the app. I messed up the address. Completely. The poor delivery guy wandered around the building for ages, finally calling me… in Russian. I just kept flapping my hands and saying, “Ne ponimayu! Ne panimayu!” Then he just started laughing!! I guess it was the sheer absurdity of it all. Eventually, he got it sorted. And the food? Heavenly. But it took a little bit of fumbling to get there.
Okay, speaking of amenities. Here's a story. I tried ordering food one night. I’d mangled my attempts at Russian, so I decided to try the app. I messed up the address. Completely. The poor delivery guy wandered around the building for ages, finally calling me… in Russian. I just kept flapping my hands and saying, “Ne ponimayu! Ne panimayu!” Then he just started laughing!! I guess it was the sheer absurdity of it all. Eventually, he got it sorted. And the food? Heavenly. But it took a little bit of fumbling to get there.
Are there any downsides? Be brutally honest! What sucked about staying there?
Okay, downsides. Here's the brutal truth. Honestly? Not many. The occasional building work in adjacent building. Annoying, but you know, it’s a city. And… okay, I'm grasping at straws here… maybe the elevator was a *little* slow sometimes? If you're used to hopping in and going straight up, the wait may feel like an eternity. But that’s really it, honestly, I was incredibly lucky. And the key issue. That... was entirely my fault. So the downsides are incredibly minimal. I'd probably visit again.
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